Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Proposal for a Steven Seagal Musical

The following is the result of absolute astonishment at the lack of musicals about, featuring or dedicated to the modern icon that is Steven Seagal. The reasons for this deficit remain unanswered and will do so until someone mounts a proper cultural analysis of this peculiarity. The present proposal is not meant to explain or clarify how overlooked Seagal has been by the playwrights of Broadway, but aims to rectify things by filling the gap. Consider the following scenario:

Steven Seagal lives a content life. A film today, an album tomorrow. Commercials and business deals regarding energy soft drinks. All is good in the world of Seagal, artistic catharsis is achieved through throwing some blues together on guitar and ends are met through throwing some bad guys into a woodchipper. But bad happenings are afoot. Jealous of Seagal’s canonisation in the field of the action movie, two rising stars of the genre attempt to eliminate the unbeatable competition he poses.

Late one evening, Seagal arrives home after a gig, only to be met in his kitchen by the figures of The Rock and Vin Diesel. Tired by the rifferamas of the gig, Seagal fails to prevent their onslaught. Overpowering him and binding his limbs in rope, the two proceed to transport Seagal to a cabin far out in the woods. Here the kidnapped star is held captive by the duo.

And thus ensues a tale of emotional turmoil where the three must contend with the pressures of the situation. The Rock and Vin Diesel, their relationship already splintered by battles on the bottom shelf, face misgivings about their actions, and must fight through distrust of each other to confront their own inner demons. Seagal, meanwhile, must face the malaise of Stockholm syndrome as he’s dealt torturous viewings of The Pacifier and Doom.

Intermixed in this melodramatic story of masculinity forced to reflect on itself is a set of original songs created especially to heighten the passionate tensions that permeate the narrative. These include such songs as:

‘Knowing Me, Knowing Your Fist In My Face’
‘Ring Of Fire Down Below’
‘Don’t Stop Me Now (Cos I’m Pummelling A Bad Guy)’
‘My Heart Will Go On Deadly Ground’
‘Wonderwall In Your Face, Cunt’.

The finale takes place as the three have to tackle their conflicting feelings in an atmosphere of increasing emotional tensions just as deforesters enter the scene to clear out the remaining redwoods in the area. Amidst diggers, chainsaws and men with hardhats, the three have a final showdown, ending with a rendition of ‘Blowin In The Wind (And Having Steven Seagal Kicking You In The Liver)’.

[Note to potential investors: the author accepts credit cards, postal orders, Paypal, personal cheques and cash. Email for further information.]

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