Sunday, January 15, 2006

Cinematic Mullets - Full Annotated Version

So mullets then. [A worthy opening that contextualises things in the vicinity of mullet discussions aptly. It also brings with it a relaxed tone, one which sets the writer-reader relationship as a casual one, as if it were a monologue between an individual and his confidant] Much is made about these great hairstyles [Banality creeps upon us here] and one place where their exhibition has been widespread is that of the cinematic arts. [A fair linking of the two central themes, but nevertheless done in a trite way, although bonus points for the use of the term “cinematic arts”]

[It would be best at this point to conceal the writer’s own self-acknowledgement that he has, in fact, very few examples of mulletonous cinema in mind, but we must push forward despite this] The first example I will expel onto you [A risky, and not altogether recommended, move straight into examples, and also the chancy step of addressing the reader directly] is that of Mel Gibson in the Lethal Weapon series. [Unfortunately ideal opportunity to relate anecdotes whose conclusions would lead to nothing but contempt for this filmic series is squandered quite pathetically] Now it wasn’t the best mullet, but it wasn’t too bad. [This blatant lack of conviction only expresses the weakness of the sentiments being expulsed here. Also note the hilarious double usage of the word ‘”wasn’t”] Truth be told [a good literation device to catch attention and evidence sincerity, reader normally never comes to the conclusion that the explicit statement here may result in everything a priori being deemed false] I was too taken with Danny Glover to worry a great deal about the mullosity of some non-Aussie, just look at how he’s getting too old for this shit. [We see here references which assume the reader’s knowledge in two distinct areas, first Mel Gibson ain’t no damn Australian, being born in USA, and secondly Danny Glover is indeed getting too old for this shit.]

Next we have [Now witness the degeneration of what promised to be some interesting prose into a hackneyed, unoriginal list] Kiefer Sutherland in The Lost Boys, a major mullet there, and, might I add, a great one. That reminds me of a story I heard earlier today [Personal anecdote is always effective] that if you stare into the eyes of Kiefer Sutherland for long enough, you become him for five minutes. Now I’m unsure as to the validity of that urban legend, but I could imagine nothing more qualified for an attempt. [Last sentence used to preclude complaints from angry parents due to their kids sitting staring at Renegades, or Young Guns 2, in vain hope that some random thing they read on the internet may come true]. He may be all about running around in that number show nowadays, but for me it’s mullet or nothing. [A snide criticism of a popular American drama TV series]

It all started in the dark caverns of the Mullet King for Patrick Swayze whose very existence was conjured in a large cauldron by the king himself. Following years being brought up under the constrictive rules of mullet etiquette, Patrick forced his protuberant mullet out through those granite walls, and he ran off to Hollywood to pursue what can only be interpreted as an acting career. [Various mythological ideas are imprinted into being here, first the Mullet King who it is believed was an editorial omission from the bible, secondly a possible kingdom where mullets roam the fields and indulge in promiscuity, although the author was picturing some sort of volcano thing, and finally that of Swayze being an actor] That mullet in Point Break easily out-acted a Mr Keanu Reeves, no surprises there, but it also put on a magnificent show in Roadhouse. [Things degrade here into illustrated instances of mullet appearance, a clear sign of unsubstantial content]

Finally, [To connote an approaching end] Belgium’s favourite son Jean Claude Van Damme [The accuracy of this statement is under investigation by Media Matters]. Hard Target, I believe it was, the utmost pinnacle of the action mullet was revealed onto an unsuspecting public. There was shock, outrage, people made pilgrimages across windy deserts in order to come to terms with what had occurred, fighting iron monks along the way who had the stubborn small-minded belief that it was connected to some abstract mysticism. [Accusations of hyperbolism here are as yet unproven] Van Damme moved the goal posts with that one, after him it wasn’t enough just to kick some ass, you had to do it with some style, you had to show you were down with the youth of the day, you had to have a vast clump of hair excess hanging out the back of your cranium, the longer the better. [A trinity of elucidations delivered with somewhat a potent force. However a better synonym for “clump” could have been found]

Where will the movie mullet go from here? [A rhetorical question, oft used in English to highlight the author’s superior knowledge and ability to answer probing queries] Well, [Unoriginal and unnecessary conjunctive] the constantly progressing arcs of fashion are ones that rarely cease to take on boarders, with today’s sneering side-glances in the direction of mullets, a cinematic revival is probably against the odds [failure to define precise odds] and therefore the future is bleak. But there’s always someone to come along to dislocate our current follicle recession, lets hope he be one of a majestic mullet. [Concluding remarks of hope shield a transparent dejection at the true state of the movie mullet. Overall, too few examples of mullets coupled with little or no theoretical interpretation (mullet semiotics anyone?) only leads to an unsatisfactory and purposeless piece of writing]

3 Comments:

Anonymous Duke De Mondo said...

SWEET ZEUS AND THE ANGEL CHOIRS!!! my raging jealousy is quelled only by the Conor in the ear-holes an the giddy delight ragin cross my gums in bastard sheets! this was fuckin astoundingly brilliant!! i won't even say why, or mention the post-modernism an the self-deprecatin hilarity, it's all obvious to even the most untrrained of eyes!! marvellous!

might i suggest a follow-up involving Bono's mullet circa 1983? he'd be a GREAT pope.

2:14 am  
Blogger Eric Berlin said...

Excellent work, Sir Fleming, self-commentary interspersed in a way not seen since Adaptation [I think I shall add this comment to your piece, actually, thus making me seem both current and "hip"]...

5:13 pm  
Blogger Miss Templeton said...

Mullets Galore

Was surprised, actually, to find this site still up and running. The Classification section should have enough taxonomy to amuse you for a few minutes.

2:15 pm  

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