Scorpius Gigantus

“Tell us about Scorpius Gigantus” the seven brides of Fahey yelled at me. “I really don’t know that much, you gotta believe me!” I replied. “Tell us all you know or we’ll make cravats out of your eyes.” What could I do? I didn’t want to do all my seeing from the neck regions of a group of nihilistic savages, with hair streaked with the blonde of Fahey, baying for innate answers to life’s very profundities.

What did I know? I recalled for them in all its pristine virtue the IMDB’s plot outline, as seen here:

Geneticist seeks to make a name for herself by saving the planet from disease by using eons-old antibodies, harvested from enlarged six legged creatures. The creatures don’t like being big and escape. Send for help.

‘Fuck your bigness’ the creatures were probably thinking. Would a simple disambiguation equate ‘creatures’ to scorpions? Perhaps, but I didn't dare risk it for fear of the brides giving me the stink eye with their blue-contact-lensed eyes.

The cast list is headed by none other than that mastodonic and rectitudinous cream of Hollywood, the perpetual Jeff Fahey. As soon as his name was mentioned each bride took a large sigh and fell on the ground in a bludgeon of aneurysmal delight. I took this happening as my cue to get the hell out of there.

So there we go, that’s about all the knowledge I have on the flick. I seem to remember it being connected to the Sci-Fi Channel, or that might have just been a dream. I’m sure it’ll be a sleeper hit when eventually released, with Jeff Fahey starring how could it not!?!

I’d imagine being a Fahey flick it’ll continue his ceaseless existential investigations, why this one may even have ecological analyses of life, and I’d assume there’ll be a scene where Fahey is forced to get all Darwinian on those pesky scorpions.