Saturday, February 25, 2006

Let Battle Commence

News from the integrity frontline is not good. The bayonets have only just begun in their furious assaults, portions of flesh dancing in the air like a monk gone mad on the acidics. Hundreds of marching anonyms lined up in the vis-à-vis position, staring deep into ‘the other’ postured opposite. One side the heavy-hearted swarms of protest, people with the couplets of Chaucer spinning around in their skulls. The other side the gas-masked devils of dividend priority, the stooped and disfigured shapes of the studio execs. One side armed with DVD evidentials in remonstrate against the vicious attack on all semblances of decency being orchestrated by the suits. The other side with a large ledger filled with company memoranda authenticating the very intentions they aim to highlight.

One false word, one sneering countenance, one wind passed wrongly, is all that it will take to prompt those masses to advance straight into the atomising gulf laid out in front of them. It’s a dangerous time, who knows what will occur on the scarred earth where they are situated.

Hell, lets not beat that bush about, they are already warring. Conflicts erupting out of the ether at every temporal moment. There are even examples of malicious in-fighting, a once innocent remark such as “ah why not remake it,” is now justification for a venomous shoving of industrial revolution matter into orifices not more than one inch in circumference.

The battle lines were drawn when 20th Century Fox (yes Murdoch’s own pet mammal) announced it was to remake that most chilling of Satan-themed horrors, Richard Donner’s The Omen. The logic behind this move is weak even by studio standards, it isn’t the need for Americanisation of Asian cinema this time, it is none other than a date. This the year of 2006, a year that brings with it the opportunity to make marketing use of those numbers that feature so eloquently in the original The Omen, the three sixes. The release date stands at 6th June 2006. This is perhaps the first time a film’s release date has been set even before scripting and other pre-production activity have taken place.

And who are the actors in this cause of so much death in the trenches? Has it been designated a teen-orientation? Will we get Lindsey Lohan running about as a female Damien (well why not with all the gender line blurring these days)? Seth Green as Ambassador Thorn? The Olsen twins as two of those three sixes?

It’s not quite as bad as that, although Julia Stiles from such things as Save The Last Dance and 10 Things I Hate About You, is playing Mrs Thorn, alongside Liev Schreiber as Thorn himself. I don’t have any bad words to say about Schreiber, he was Welles after all, although I only saw about fifteen minutes of that film. And Knox Harrington from The Big Lebowski (ya know the art fellow), David Thewlis, is playing that inquisitor of obscure theology who befriends Thorn.

But do not let a few words lacking in the nefarious stance necessary here fool you into thinking thoughts such as, “hey, maybe this whole remake is a good idea, oh c’mon honey, lets spend that fateful day sucking the smouldering phallus of the studio bigwig with nothing more than a mindless brain-dead expression on our soon-to-be soaked faces.”

It’s not the way, I tell you. These guys need to be strapped to the most repugnant of throatily gunk and set off downstream towards the Angel Falls. Only that will cause cessation to their money-obsessed ways. When will the green-factor die? Will it ever? Maybe bloody battle is the only way forward. I can only envision knife fights between a fan of Bunuel and some random yes-man from the upper reaches of Warner Bros. How’s this for profit, a good stabbing in the bronchia? Hey I’m sure that can be sold itself, “New on Fox for this fall season, it’s Studio Middle-Management Deathmatch, brought to you by the good folks who will themselves partake in the brawls within, carnage guaranteed!”

It’s only a matter of time. Let the red spillage ensue!


Blogger Miss Templeton said...

Oh hey, now here's a movie that I can actually recall seeing. Little Damien and the tricycle scene clearly paving the way for "Redrum" Danny's treks through the Overlook's long halls.

Then with Omen III, we get Sam Neill as older Damien. Never saw that but always thought Sam was pretty cute (Jurrasic Park!) until I looked at his picture just now. That's a look that could stun Jack Nicholson! Don't people have agents to make sure this sort of thing doesn't happen?

But Omen then. Wasn't it -- and the like-themed Exorcist and Rosemary's Baby of the time -- simply a metaphor for people who viewed parenthood and its responsibilities with a great deal of fear and trepidation?

Two new pieces of writing in as many days! You'll create unreasonable expectations for the future that way.

8:17 pm  
Blogger Aaron Fleming said...

Haha, never noticed that likeness between Damien and Danny's tricycle maneuvers before, probably cos I ain't seen The Shinning in years. And yeh I'm sure there's a good bit of paternal fears underneath the satanic exteriors of those films.

And that Sam Neill IMDB picture is maybe the best picture ever (well at least til Fahey gets one), how can a man look so evil? Then again there was always Event Horizon...

Well I'll attempt to keep this thing up-to-date inbetween multitudinous academic essays and such.

10:09 pm  
Blogger Miss Templeton said...

The Shinning?

"Now look boy. If your dad goes gaga, you just use that... 'shin' of yours to call me and I'll come a'runnin'..."

(I can only hope the link works. If not, visit here)

11:52 pm  
Blogger Aaron Fleming said...

Haha, yes I'm getting all my films and parodies mixed up here. But let it be known that that particular halloween special was the best, c'mon, Willie getting killed in each segment cracks me up.

1:24 am  
Blogger Miss Templeton said...

And I now see I misspelled Jurassic, which only goes to show how successful the introduction of Intelligent Design theory has been in the American education system.

Willie is one of my favorites, especially in the Sherry Bobbins ep.

9:24 am  
Blogger Miss Templeton said...

Sorry to have turned the Omen topic into a Groundskeeper Willie thread but my husband has just informed me that tonight's new episode of The Simpsons (in the US) will be a George Bernard Shaw Pygmalion pastiche with Willie in the role of Eliza Doolittle and Lisa Simpson taking on the project of making Willie fit for society.

There's a nice graphic there on the official site when you click on "This Week"

Should be delightful.

10:51 pm  
Blogger Aaron Fleming said...

Haha, that sounds great, and what a great graphic also.

11:20 pm  
Blogger Bella said...

"Do we need another Breakfast at Tiffany's?" Absolutely not! I was just reading a small blurb about a remake...why do they always want to tamper with greatness? The remake is NEVER as good as the original...nor are the sequels...except for the Godfather II which was spectacular. The article mentioned how a remake in today's times, would never get away with the blatent cartoon like version of a Chinese man played by non Chinese man, Mickey Rooney - complete with thick glasses and buck teeth...that character would have to be changed...but it was funny back then and that's why you have to leave the classics alone. You can't re-write the great leave the great films alone too. Just my opinion.

9:02 pm  

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